I bet she was the kind of girl who had that great, big smile on just before answering the phone or waving across campus at a familiar face she'd spotted. I bet she had that smile when her dad came to pick her from the train station or she caught the eye of a complete stranger at the bookstore. I bet it soon became her trademark and she found herself putting on that great, big smile even when she was embarrassed, disappointed, jealous, frightened or in pain because to do otherwise would have been just too complicated. Before she knew it, I bet she was using it to deflect all and any form of negative emotions, because everybody liked a girl who smiled.
Well now she's gone leaving a lot of 'why-s' and 'what if-s' and I bet her family and friends among all the devastation are also stunned wondering 'but she looked so happy'. People say suicide is a selfish and cowardly way to go, so much so that it used to be categorized as a crime in the Sri Lankan constitution and still is a mortal sin leading to eternal damnation according to Christianity. Of course I am in no way advocating suicide nor am I condemning and demonizing the act either, because my world is not black and white. If you haven't been there before, at rock bottom, curled up in fetal position, with alcohol running through your veins and life flashing before your eyes thinking 'perhaps I should just end this all', well either you are lucky, exceptionally strong or a sociopath. I'm 28 years old on my way to a second master's degree but every now and then I get soccer punched by life in the gut and find myself trying to catch a breath and the strength to get back up from the floor thinking, 'Jesus, I thought I was so over heartache, heartbreak and the generic melodramatic garbage that comes with it'. I, however, was very fortunate to have a couple of friends who just turned up with chocolate and ice cream. Cliche I know, but the fact of the matter is they turned up. I had my best friend call from thousands of miles away, listen to a long sob story and ask at the end of it all, 'well have you had anything to eat?', and I bet she never realized she threw me a life line in the form of a simple question. But this is not about me. This is about her. I bet her friends turned up, brought her food and asked if she was ok, too, and perhaps at the end of it all she gave them that big, old smile of hers reassuring them that they've done all they could, before she went ahead and ended it all. Because as someone ones told me, recovering from emotional turmoil is not a linear process. It is more of a doodle really. It comes and goes in waves where one minute you are fine and flying high, and suddenly you'll hear a song or get a whiff of something, and it all comes crashing back to consume you.
So now that all is said and done, stories and pictures shared and overshared, I am left wondering just one thing. What if there were entities which offered systematic, confidential support to those who reach out when facing such desperate situations. I remember nights I laid awake thinking, gosh if there was just number I could dial or an email I could write to someone who could just listen and reassure me that this time will pass. Someone professional who wouldn't judge or ridicule these feelings as episodes of attention seeking or advice to just get over it, but sincerely empathize and offer some form of light. Be a temporary anchor to the mortal world when all one wants to do is escape it. I particularly believe academic institutions such as universities, which host young adults transitioning from sheltered youth to harsh adulthood, would benefit greatly from setting up support mechanisms for those going through emotional hardship. I also know such mechanisms are already in place for example at my previous university, Keele University which operates a volunteer run programme called the Nightline, among many others, supporting those in need of emotional support. I was also informed by a good friend that a similar facility called Kriisikeskus Mobile operates in the Jyväskylä city center in Finland, where anyone going through emotional hardship or a friend/family of someone whose going through the same can call or drop in 24/7 and obtain the necessary support.
She was only 25, she was 3 whole years younger than me. Even though I never knew nor had heard of her before, I have this strange feeling that had we met we'd have been good friends. I bet we'd have sat right in front of all the lectures and answered all the questions to everyone's great annoyance. I bet we'd walk around laughing unruly to our own jokes. I bet we'd talk about boys and philosophy, about what to wear to our graduation and how to change the world, and how we'd like the rest of our lives to span out. But of course she'll never get the chance to do any of that anymore and most of all she'll never get a chance to brighten up the world with that great, big smile. So my point is next time you see your friend, lover, classmate, colleague or family member throw their head back, laugh out loud and break into a great big smile just remember to ask them, 'hey, how are you?' and tell them, 'what ever happens, what ever it is I'm always in your corner, so just call me'. Perhaps, God forbid it ever comes to that, they will call you instead.
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