Some context
I was enjoying the evening's entertainment on a cruise from Helsinki to Åland when a middle-aged man (late fifties possibly), who introduced himself as 'so-and-so from Finland', struck a conversation with me. I was with 2 friends, and one of their mom's, making us an all-women's group of 4. We spent 2 nights, Friday and Saturday, on the cruise. The first point of contact happened on the first night.
Stage 1 - Unwarranted 'compliments'
The first thing he did was ever so lightly cup the sides of my head with both his hands (as a born-again Christian paster would bless a new follower) and tell me, "can I just say you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen". I entered 'this cannot actually be happening to me' (aka disbelief) mode. He continued, "I'm so-and-so from Finland. I have a daughter your age and she's beautiful too. But you are really beautiful". At this point he immediately reminded me of none other than Donald Trump, himself. You know what I'm talking about. All those times when he pointed to Ivanka and said, "my beautiful daughter Ivanka is here. Look at her. Isn't she just stunning?"... and the crowd cheers like this is not creepy at all. As if this makes all the other gross misconducts he's carried out against many other women ok.
Coming back to me on the boat with the man... so I smiled awkwardly and said nothing. He just continued a normal conversation about his work and Finland. At one point he said, "I work in a company with lots of Indian people who are really nice and very good with computers. Just like you. I know you're good with computers". At which point I said, "I'm actually not from India and I don't work with computers". He looked at me a little confused and said, "yes, but I'm sure you're good at it". I said nothing. After few minutes I said good night to few people around me including him, and went back to my cabin.
Stage 2 - Sense of entitlement
The next day at the breakfast buffet we did see this guy and his friend, out and about masking a blatant hangover. But of course they didn't even make eye contact (cause who does that unless they have more alcohol than blood running through their veins) and we went out of our way to avoid any contact with them. By now, we've become familiar with quite a few of the guests on board. Some who we've spoken to. Some merely by being in an enclosed space for 48 hours. A sense of camaraderie, or 'keep the hell away from me you totally strange human' had developed by now. After a day of great fun, came the 2nd and final night on the boat. I was again with my posse enjoying the night's entertainment, when the star of this blog entered the picture.
He was already pretty drunk to begin with. He sat on my left side squishing me between one person from my group and the table in front of me, which was bolted to the floor for safety reasons. I was both literally and metaphorically stuck. Mind you, there's a performance happening at the moment which I'm desperately trying to listen to. The singer was surprisingly good and soulful. But of course, the old man begins to talk/slur to me.
"Do you remember what I told you yesterday?", he asked. At this point I'm barely listening to him and trying my best to tune into the music instead so, "What?", I replied. He was so offended. "You don't remember! I told you, you were the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. I mean I have a daughter your age. She's beautiful too. I also have a son. And I guess he's beautiful too. You don't remember!". I guess in that moment the thing that struck me most was the level of entitlement he felt. Just because he had inserted himself into my private space the night before and struck up the most creepiest conversation with me, he felt entitled to my attention and company. In a way he couldn't comprehend why I was being ungrateful and unable to accept a compliment. It was pretty mind-blowing.
Stage 3 - Say anything to get a reaction
By now I was getting increasing uncomfortable and frustrated. You'd have to be a dead man to not-notice the disgust from my body language as I was physically leaning away and trying to put some space between myself and this old man. But having realized that 'compliments' and 'smooth talking' (which were essentially creepy and mildly racist remarks) is not getting him anywhere he upped his game.
Him - "How long have you been living here?"
Me - "Mmmm... few years."
Him - "Why don't you speak Finnish?"
Me - "I do, a little".
Him - "Speak to me."
Me - "Mmm... what... I don't want to".
Him - "You should say perkele, satana, v*ttu (pretty standard Finnish swearwords). Ha ha ha!"
Me - (silence)
Him - "The best way to learn Finnish is from a boyfriend. Boyfriend? Girlfriend? Boyfriend?"
Me - "I do learn Finnish".
Him - "From boyfriend?"
Me - "No, from a class. I pay money and go to a group class and learn from a teacher."
Him - "Oh... but the best way is to learn from a boyfriend".
At this stage I reached my limit. Also the music was really very good and the folks on the boat were getting down on the dance floor. So without any warning, I crawled under the table, ran towards a group of older women who were clearly having the time of their life and started dancing with them. All was good.
Stage 4 - Getting physical
So, as mentioned before, I was having the time of my life, getting down with the coolest over 70 girl dance group, and I naively thought all was well and I was finally free to enjoy the night. Few minutes later, the star of this blog, joined the dance floor. At the beginning we were all dancing in a circle so there were several people between him and me. I was just dancing in my corner, doing my own thing. Then people in the circle one-by-one began to go to the middle and bust some cheesy moves and everyone would cheer them on. You know what I'm talking about. To be totally honest I detest these dance battle type scenarios. I love dancing, and I'm pretty damn good at it. But I like to do it in my corner like no one is watching. So when it was my turn, in spite of a lot of egging on I refused. Eventually the circle broke off and we went back to having a good time. Then he decided to come to the middle of this partially disintegrated circle and stumble around (which I'm sure he believed was equivalent to top quality break dancing), but no one way paying attention by then. This is possibly the final straw that broke the camel's back.
He walked across the dance floor straight up to me, put both hands on my shoulders, looked into my face and said something in Finnish, which I didn't understand. So I brushed him off and said , "I don't get what you're saying". At which point he made an exasperated hand gesture and walked to a high bar table nearby with his drink and continued to stare. Interestingly, the group of older women I was dancing with earlier standing in front of me and my own group sitting behind me had noticed this interaction. When I looked to them they asked, non-verbally, by nodding their heads in a questioning way if everything was ok. And I nodded back, yes. But a few minutes later I was just done for the night. So as I walked over to my own group and stood by the table sipping a glass of water, when he approached me again as said, "You stay. I will go, ok?", in an annoyed voice. I replied, "I'm going to go because I'm sleepy", and I wished good night to everyone else but him, and walked away. That was the last I saw of him.
Reflection
Funnily enough the most overwhelming feeling I have upon reflecting on this situation is somewhat of a disappointment in myself. I feel like I've let the women's movement down. Why didn't I just say something then and there. Something direct and polite down the line of, "You are making me feel really uncomfortable. I don't want to have this conversation anymore. I'm going to go sit over there now". But I didn't. Instead I just brushed it off, kept quiet and sacrificed enjoying the night to get away from the situation. All I could think of was that I didn't want to create a scene and be stuck on this boat for the next 48 hours with this person. Also as the only non-white woman on the boat there was this need to represent. Smile. Be polite. Don't cause a scene. Try to blend in. But what is exactly the right way to act in this type of a situation? It's very subtle and the level of discomfort is progressive. Like you're a frog in a pot of cold water that's slowly being brought up to a boil.
As Captain Hindsight (which is my superpower) I've thought of a few different things, I, you and we could do to prevent these kind of encounters from happening.
1. If you find yourself in a similar situation, I hope you'd find the courage to speak up. Unlike me, I hope you'd tell the person on the other-end, "this is not ok. Please, leave me alone". I hope if I find myself in a similar debacle again, I'd find the strength to do as I say.
2. Keep the people around you posted. I mean there were at least 4 people who were observing the situation, who asked me if I were ok. I could have asked any one of them to cover my back. It's not about making a scene and proving your case to the world, but rather fighting the issue from bottom up by having just one ally standing between you and the discomfort you are encountering. I think this is ok. I wish I'd just reached out. I hope you do.
3. If you witness something similar happening to a person, intervene. Again, I don't mean to body slam the culprit or get into a heated argument with them. But perhaps you could change seats at the bar or places on the dance floor with the person experiencing this discomfort, and help them to put some space between themselves and the harassers. Intervening doesn't have to happen with big guns, huge forces and loud noise. It can be as subtle as the harassment itself. So please do step in. It'll be very much appreciated.
4. Educate. If you know any friends, family, colleagues, neighbours, etc. who exhibit this kind of behaviour make them aware that it is clearly a form of harassment. Perhaps they are genuinely oblivious to the fact. Perhaps, they just don't care. Either way, having a discussion about personal space, reading another person's body language and filtering the content that comes out of one's mouth would sure go a long way.
So then, have you faced similar situations? How did you act? What do you think is the best way to handle such events and people? Let me know.
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