Everything That's Wrong With The Question 'Where Are You From?'

I'm not going to lie, this post has been a long time coming. After 11 years of personally being asked, and watching people around me get asked over and over again, 'where you are from?', I thought it's about time I break down this question a little. First, I want to deconstruct the question from the receiver's perspective. Then I want to share with you a few hilariously painful versions of the question I've received. Finally, I want to convince you to try and let go of that feeling of wanting to know where everyone else's family trees originate from. If not in the very least to start using an alternative to this question, for which I do have a suggestion, revealed at the end of the blog!

"Where are you from?"

When was the last time you were asked the question, 'where are you from'? At the beach resort you were holidaying in Thailand? In a cruise you were taking during your honeymoon? When you visited a language cafe? When the company you worked for flew everyone to head quarters for the annual team get together? Were you the only one who received this question? Or was everyone asking it from everyone?

I got asked, 'where are you from?', a couple of days ago on Tinder. In fact it was the first thing my Tinder match asked me. In online and real life dating contexts, 'where are you from?', is essentially the go to chat up line/conversation starter I receive the most. Apart from that every time I walk into any social situation involving meeting new people, i.e. weddings, christenings, graduations, housewarmings, dinners, thesis defence, conferences and yes, sometimes even a job interviews, the question that follows 'what's your name', is 'where are you from?'.

Let's assume for argument's sake that you, reading this blog, has no prior information on me, the writer of this blog. By now would you assume that there was something about me, that made it quite clear to other people that I was not from 'here', where ever that maybe, thus the necessity to clarify, where I'm actually from? Right here, is the biggest problem I have with this question. Each time someone asks me, 'where are you from?', what I actually here is, 'You look, sound and/or behave like you are not from here. You don't belong here with us. So where are you from?'.

Someone might say, 'But isn't that just the truth? You are not from here (i.e. Finland where I'm current living in.). You are from somewhere else (i.e. Sri Lanka where I'm originally from.). So what's wrong with noticing that and wanting to clarify it?'. Mostly because the world is not just black, white and well... brown. I'm not the only one who gets asked this question. I've watched friends of mine who are born and raised in a specific country, who also happen to have ethnically diverse backgrounds so don't fit into the stereotypical norm of what a citizen from that specific country should look like, get asked over and over again where they are from. Then the look of skepticism and confusion that crosses the face when the answer does not match the expected answer. And how sometimes a string of invasive questions are presented to uncover that one great-grandparent who came from a country on the sunny side of the equator leading to the exclamation, 'aha! I knew it. I knew you had an exotic gene', or something to that extent. 

So what we should really ask ourselves is, why is it important for us to know where someone is from? Without this specific piece of information is it impossible for us to build a connection with another human being? What is the added value this will bring to the relationship? Can we be patient until the other person feels comfortable enough to reveal this information if and when he/she wants to?

"You are obviously from [insert wrong country], right?"

In my 31 years of life no one who tried to guess where I'm from have got it right the first time round. Mostly because there isn't one stereotypical way every single person from a specific country looks or behaves. Like, duh! Secondly, the name I go by 'Harsh Rodrigo' is not the easiest to pin point. So most often I get India. I've also got everything from the Caribbean and Brazil, to Portugal and North London, which is very specific I must admit. Depending on what I'm wearing, how curly my hair is, what I'm drinking or how I'm talking, people place me all over the map. Which often feels like peeling an old sticker off a laptop. Both annoying, yet amusing at the same time.

Recently at a party I attended, a young, drunk man entered into this guessing game with me. After introducing himself, the conversation went like this.

Him - "You are obviously from India, right?"
Me - "No."
Him - "Pakistan? Nepal? Malaysia? Singapore? Vietnam? Bangladesh? Sri Lanka?"
Me - "Yes."
Him - "I knew it. Your accent gave it away".
Me - "Mmm... ok."
Him - <After some random conversation> "... anyway, welcome to Finland!"
Me - "Mmm... ok. I've only been living here for 5 years but thanks. I guess."

Apart from this conversation being a waste of both our time, and reducing the value of this encounter, there's another tricky element to this guessing game. I personally have no issue being associated with any country in the world. But historically and politically speaking, there are nations that have deep rooted rivalries. For example, Israel and Palestine, India and Pakistan, Taiwan and China, Russia and Ukraine, I mean it really depends on who you ask. While most people will not consider a wrong guess a big deal, it's probably something they are not fond of. Countries that are geographically close and appear culturally similar, can really be worlds apart. So my two cents on this matter is, just don't guess. Again, wait for the person to tell you if and when they decide to do so.

"Did you get hurt in the Tsunami?"

Imagine if you meet someone for the first time who happen to be from the United States, and you ask them 'do you know someone who got hurt in 9/11?'. I mean, this is that classic case of people trying to find a piece of information they are aware of related to where someone's from, and using it as a point of reference to start a conversation. While for some this is also an opportunity to show off their knowledge on this specific country, for others it's also a genuine attempt to find a common context to build upon. Either way, this is definitely not a great way to build a conversation. 

Once at a local bar, an old lady who I met for the very first time, in other words a complete stranger, upon finding out that I'm from Sri Lanka told me, 'Back in the 80's there was Finnish woman who was married to a Sri Lankan man. He was a doctor and they were both living in Finland. It turned out that she killed him and buried him, in the flowerbeds in their garden. Do you know this man?'. To tell you the truth, it was my first month in Finland, and I had no idea who this man was nor what to make of this conversation I was having. 

Another time my mom was trying to catch a long distance bus from London to Bristol. When she stopped to ask a couple of TFL staff directions to the coach, I guess they struck up a conversation with her about where she was from. They then asked her, "Are you a Tamil Tiger?", and laughed. This was back in 2012, three years after the 30 year civil war in Sri Lanka had ended in an incredibly bloody battle. The country, society and its people were very raw from the losses, memories, experiences and the sheer horror of it all. I think we still are. I mean what's the time stamp to get over decades of brutal war? The militant group involved are called Liberation Tigers of Tamil Eelam (LTTE), thus the 'Tamil Tiger'. The civil war in Sri Lanka is not a subject I want to get into in this blog. But the point is, the sheer insensitive nature of this question is just off the charts. It's much better to have a blank canvas approach and say, 'can you tell me something about your country, because I would really love to know more', as opposed to draw on that one piece of generic information you picked up on the news, which is neither here nor there.

"You must hate winter?"

Remember at the beginning I asked why it was important for people to find out where other people are from? Well, turns out sometimes it's to draw some peculiar conclusions based purely on where someone was born. For instance, people always assume I must hate winter ipso facto Finland, because more than half of the year here is, well winter. Those of you who know me will see the irony immediately, as I profoundly dislike hot weather and is possibly the one person who says, 'I can't wait for winter!', on the first day of Spring.

Assuming I hate winter is not a big deal at all. It's just a season, and ain't nobody got time to care about that. But assuming I'm defined (only/mostly/firstly) by my national identity, is a problem. Every human is at an intersection of multiple identities. I'm a woman in my 30's from Sri Lanka, living in the capital of Finland, working in the startup environment with center left political views. Am I influenced by my nationality, ethnicity and heritage? Absolutely. They shape my values very much. However, I've lived 10 years (86% of my adult life) outside Sri Lanka, and still do. Personally, I find my gender and political identities to be the strongest. So how accurate is it for someone who just met me, to define me completely based on where I come from? 

The irony is when I do visit Sri Lanka, people in that society pick on tiny details such as the way I dress, talk, drive or patiently stand in line, to deduce I must not live here long-term, and ask 'so where do you live?'. What an interesting life it is to have to consistently explain to strangers the relocation choices you've made in your life. 

In conclusion

My personal recommendation is don't ask people where they are from. For you, explaining where you are from might not be a big deal. In fact, you might even enjoy it. Well, good for you! But this is about how you raising this question can make the person on the receiving end feel. Each time you meet someone new simply assume that they belong. Give them time and space to share their story how and when they feel like it. It's their story to tell. Not yours to squeeze out and use to draw the thick outlines of the small box you'd later place them in. If you absolutely must know where someone is from because you're a cat thus curiosity is out to kill you, please don't let 'where are you from?', be the first thing you say to someone. Have an ordinary pleasant conversation before finding a creative way to ask this question. Most important thing is that you accept whole heartedly the answer they give you. For instance considering I currently live in Finland, if someone I meet over the weekend were to ask me, 'so where abouts in Finland are you from?', I'd be totally ok with that. I would probably say, 'Actually I'm not from Finland, I'm originally from Sri Lanka'. But I could also say 'Helsinki', and leave it at that. You just have to leave it at that too. 

Do you get asked where you are from? How do you tackle this question? Let me know!